Why She Made Life More Wonderful
February 2019
In August of 2018, I sent an invitation to support the Safer Communities Project's work with people incarcerated in San Quentin State Prison and local county jails. Our team has felt touched and moved to see people stepping forward to help. Team members even sucked it up and sent personal invitations to their own families and friends for support. The many responses and much generosity have been such an affirming experience.
We noticed one of our donors opted to make monthly donations, and after 3 months, she doubled her monthly contribution. This was a surprise and stimulated curiosity, so I called her and we spoke about her thinking. Our connection was warm and deep, and I suspect she will work with our team down the road as she volunteers more in prisons near her home upon retirement. We're thrilled to be able to offer her support, an attentive ear, and the materials and strategies we've learned over the years.
Here's my conversation, in case you'd like to hear what inspired one woman to donate regularly to our restorative justice action:
Meganwind (MW): "Hi, Janet. I want to let you know how touched we on the BayNVC Safer Communities Project team feel seeing your monthly donations to our project, and how grateful we feel, experiencing a sense of support and being valued. I wondered if you would be willing to say what inspired you to make that commitment. Also, I see you decided after a few months to double your monthly donation to the Safer Communities Project. How did you come to decide to increase your donation?"
Janet (Jan): "One day, I put together a list of all my donations to see if I was providing the most support for organizations that aligned best with what is most important to me now. I decided then to increase some and decrease others. Safer Communities was one I increased because [NVC in prisons] is very consistent with my values and with my love of NVC. We give people no skills in dealing with strong emotions and with conflict, making it ever more difficult to live together, especially in larger and larger groups such as cities. It seems like we set ourselves up for failure because we don't teach skills for getting along. If we cannot do it up front, as part of school curriculum, then we need to do it for adults and especially in places such as prisons where there is such a huge need.
"A second reason is that I recently started thinking about the idea of privilege after reading the article by Peggy McIntosh, "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" and watching her powerful TedTalk. I was stunned to realize what white privilege meant and how white privilege manifests in society and felt such a deep yearning to use what I have gained through white privilege to offer some assistance, whatever I could, to address that privilege. I wanted to do something to put my realization into action. Safer Communities is a powerful way to do that since prisons, with their disproportionate number of people of color, reflect white privilege."
MW: "So were you looking for a way to bring more balance?"
Jan: "Yes. Balance is exactly the right word.
"I would like to do more to support the work all of you do. It's truly amazing and deserves tremendous support.
"I'm in San Diego, and I have mostly had exposure to Miki Kashtan's work, both by phone and in person, including three Convergent Facilitation courses. I was also intrigued by and participated in Leveraging Your Influence, coming up to the Bay Area about 5 times for that series.
"I don't sound like NVC when I talk but it's had a strong influence on me. I work at the San Diego VA with women veterans. 48% of women veterans have mental health issues. For many it is PTSD from military sexual trauma. Some young women participate in parties with lots of drinking, common among active duty troops. Sometimes this leads to non-consensual sexual activity. They awaken in the morning, beside a naked man that they barely know, realizing they had sex with someone they didn't want to and that others know about it. For many women this is deeply traumatizing. My heart aches to see how that trauma impacts their children as well when the mothers try to manage their pain with alcohol or drugs."
MW: "It's so hard for the children when their mother is not there because of the alcohol or drugs."
Jan: "Yes, exactly. [NVC] really permeates my view of things and how I speak with people about their issues, and occasionally I use it directly. One woman was relaying a situation that was painful for her, and I asked, "What do you think your mother's needs might have been when she was saying that?" Then we looked at the possible needs for everyone involved in the situation, and I could see her soften and open to her mother.
"I will be retiring in October and plan to volunteer in jails through my local Thich Nhat Hanh meditation group. I'm hoping to bring some NVC into the jails along the way."
Many thanks to all in our NVC community.