When Needs are Unmet
When Needs are Unmet
by Meganwind Eoyang
I recently received an inquiry from a student, about the experiences she has when a need is unmet:
My boyfriend and I have been talking about needs being "the life energy passing through us." sometimes when I feel a need, I sense it as a hole or deficiency. if I manage to stay with it long enough, sometimes it transforms into a spaciousness (especially when I am in the presence of my therapist). In that instance, I see my need as a wound that as I stay present to it and have compassion for it, it opens. Would you be willing to comment on my understanding of "the life energy passing through us"?
Yes, I, too, think of the needs as a dynamic river of life energy that moves through us, constantly changing. One of my teachers, Julie Greene, said the needs change about every 90 seconds even when there is no outer or inner stimulation stirring things up. That means to me that our life is a living process and this fits well with something I’ve heard Marshall say -- that language which is fixed or static gets in the way of compassionate connection – neither person involved is static!
In my experience, when someone experiences a hole or deficiency related to a need, the focus is almost always on the “not met” instead of on the beauty of the need. I have slowly over the years been cultivating an appreciation that whether a need is met or not met, either case simply points me toward the life that is flowing through me. I can continue to focus on the “not met-ness”, but it rarely brings me the inner peace and balance I’ve come to enjoy when I’m connecting with an experience of the needs. I also like the shift in my energy that comes when I focus on the lived experience of the need – it seems to give me some breathing room in the situation, enough to bring compassionate presence to myself and sometimes even to the other person .
It also helps me when I say to myself, “Maybe this person in front of me is not able to meet my need at this moment. Maybe someone else can, perhaps even myself, or maybe they can at other times. Or maybe I can see some way to put a little of the energy of that Need into the world right now.” This helps me disengage from urgency and attachment I have around getting my need met in this instant.
And, further, I allow myself to mourn when a need is not met. This can loosen my demanding grip that it be met now. The truth is, thousands of our needs are unmet everyday. Often it is my attachment to a particular need being met that makes my suffering even worse. I have been amazed at the obvious and subtle ways making demands slips into my thinking.