Needs vs. Strategies
Needs vs. Strategies, a few thoughts
Meganwind Eoyang
One way NVC has helped me get clearer about what is going on for me is by making a clear differentiation between Needs and Strategies. Why would this be useful?
When we focus on our strategies - the actions we take, or want to take to meet needs - we can only have 2 outcomes – we get what want, or we do not get what we want. That means the very best odds we have of getting what we want is 50/50. I don’t consider 50/50 to be great odds (for instance, I’d hesitate to have a dangerous surgery with only 50/50 odds of success). Small wonder people will often fight or argue tooth and claw to get the outcome they want. It’s either I win, or I lose. I don’t know anyone who goes into a discussion wanting to lose, so we fight to win. Part of the problem with fighting to win is that if I win, that means the other person loses. So even if I win, I lose something. I lose the connection, and I may lose the other person’s good will.
When we focus on the Needs behind the strategy, there may be a thousand ways to meet our Needs. This vastly increases the odds we will be able to find a way to meet our Needs. Actually, when we reveal our Needs to the other person, sometimes they won’t go for my request (my strategy), but they might see strategies to meet my Needs that would never have occurred to me.
Perhaps it is not clear why this differentiation would be an issue. Part of the problem is language. It often happens that people say something like, “I need you to do xxx.” What they really mean is, “Do what I want.” The focus is on the strategy, but they used the word “need.” That’s why we don’t usually ask people what they need: people think what they need is for the other person to do what they want. It’s much more helpful to ask about a specific Need in order to orient the person’s attention to the territory of Needs instead of strategies. Very few of us were raised with awareness about Needs, so people are unlikely to know that’s what we are looking for. We might ask, “So when you say you need me to do xxx, are you wanting support? Or connection? Or effectiveness? Or...? (guess some specific Need)”
If they respond, “No, I told you what I need. I need you to do xxx,” then you can clarify by answering, “Yes, I get that is what you want me to do. I also want to be sure I understand what is important to you about that action so I get aligned with the action you want or see if there might even be a more effective action we could do.” We are then joining forces to find solutions that work for everyone.
I believe therefore that differentiating my Needs from my strategies increases my choices, increases my effectiveness and increases my power.