Does NVC Always Connect?
by Meganwind Eoyang
A man in my class at San Quentin state prison raised an interesting problem for many NVC students. He reported NVC helps him in speaking with many people in different roles in the prison. Yet, when speaking on the phone with his brother, things broke down. "Don't talk to me in that prison group way! Do you think you're better than me? You're in prison! I'm not your damned secretary." In various ways, I imagine you have run up against this issue, too. Sometimes people don't like the sound of NVC practice language, distrusting the speaker's intentions. And it's easy unconsciously to try to use NVC as a cool new way to get what you want, so their distrust might be accurate. No one likes to be 'manipulated.' Oops.
Three suggestions arise for me in this situation.
Practice self connection, and rest for a few moments in the energy of the Needs alive for you right then, maybe wanting to be seen for your intentions, or connection, or support, or kindness, or cooperation? This can settle some of the frustration in the moment.
Work from the principles, and drop the language of NVC.
a. One frequently arising principle is to hold everyone's needs with care. That means figuring out what is important to the other person (probably silently if they're not enjoying your guesses), and looking for ways to include their Needs. Remember you'll be happier if everyone feels good about things, so looking out for the other guy (and also for your own needs) helps, too.
b. Another principle is to make connection a priority. When things get tough, don't 'push the river,' that is, try to convince or correct the other person. Trust that if I take time to care about you, it's easier for you to relax and care about me. When connection happens, creative solutions often appear.
"Speak the language of the people you're with," was something Marshall Rosenberg often suggested. Some people will really enjoy your empathy guesses. Others won't. For the latter, maybe just name a Need and immediately turn your attention to the request/offer. For the man in my prison class, I can imagine his brother might want more choice about doing tasks for him. The man in my class could ask if it would help to ask someone else to do some of the tasks he's been asking his brother to do. This could sound like, "Yeah, choice. How 'bout I ask my ol' lady to do some of these things and take the pressure offa you? And thanks for all you've been doing, man."
If you remember the intention is connection and mutual care, it doesn't matter what words you use. NVC-speak is irrelevant. The practice language is just there to help while you're learning NVC
What people really need
is a good listening to.
-- Mary Lou Casey
NOTHING ALWAYS CONNECTS. CARING CAN HELP.